Why Facing the Truth Is the Key to Better Care
Let me tell you a story.
I’m sitting at my mom’s kitchen table, staring at a cup of coffee. Across from me is my Uncle Billy, and he’s got his shirt on backward. Not only that, it’s inside out. It’s like he forgot how getting dressed works, and just thought, “Eh, close enough.”
I laugh, because at first glance, it’s kind of funny, right? I mean, people get dressed in a rush all the time. No big deal. He’s getting older, after all. We all have those little “oops” moments. Uncle Billy looks at me, I wonder if he’s waiting for me to point it out, but I don’t. I let it slide, telling myself it’s not worth making a fuss over.
But that’s when the denial really starts. Not all at once. No one ever wakes up and says, “Today’s the day I’m going to pretend nothing’s wrong with mom or dad.” It just happens, quietly, without you even noticing. You laugh at the little things. You ignore the weird behaviors. You convince yourself it’s nothing more than old age. And by doing that, you let yourself sink deeper, little by little. And the more you ignore it, the harder it is to pull yourself and your loved one out.
And that’s where I found myself that morning, sitting across from Uncle Billy, laughing it off instead of facing what I was starting to see. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to admit what I knew deep down, that something was wrong, that Uncle Billy was showing signs of dementia. So, I stayed in that comfortable denial, letting it wrap around me like a safety blanket.
But here’s the hard truth: while denial buys you a little temporary peace, it prolongs the pain for both you and your loved one. The longer you deny what’s happening, the more you delay the important decisions you need to make. For me and my family, it meant missing the early signs that Uncle Billy needed help. I’ve since learned it’s much better to face the hard stuff head-on, rather than wait until everything’s spiraling out of control. Because when that happens, you don’t just lose time, you lose the chance to plan for the care and support you and your loved one really needs.
The Denial Trap: Why We Stay Stuck
We all have our coping mechanisms. Some of us dive into cleaning, scrubbing the counters or organizing the closet, because it gives us a sense of control when everything else feels uncertain. Others binge-watch shows we’ve already seen because the predictability is comforting. And then, some of us live in denial, because facing the truth is just too painful.
It’s easier to distract ourselves or pretend things are fine than to admit that something’s really wrong. But denial, like all those other coping mechanisms, can only hold off reality for so long.
Denial is like pressing snooze on your alarm clock. You get a little more time, but the alarm’s going to go off again. And when it does, it’ll be louder. More urgent. Keep pressing snooze long enough, and suddenly, you’re late, scrambling, unprepared, and already behind before the day has even begun.
How Denial Hurts Us (and Why It’s So Tempting)
Here’s the thing: we stay in denial because it feels safe. It feels like control. There’s a part of us that believes that if we don’t acknowledge the problem, maybe it’ll just go away. But dementia doesn’t care about our denial. It doesn’t pause because we’re not ready to deal with it.
And eventually, the signs get bigger. Louder. They become things you can’t ignore anymore. Maybe they’re no longer just wearing their shirt backward. Maybe they’re driving the wrong way down the highway. Maybe they’re forgetting your name.
At some point, that snooze button stops working. The alarm gets too loud.
The Reality Check Moment
I remember the moment it really hit me. Uncle Billy called the police one night, panicked, because he thought he was out of heating oil. The police showed up, checked everything, and found out he had plenty of oil. The real issue was that he’d turned the thermostat down himself and forgotten he’d done it.
That’s when I knew. And if you’re in a situation like I was, you probably know it, too. You know something’s not right, but you’re hoping that by not talking about it, it’ll just go away. It won’t.
Why Denial Hurts Both of You
Here’s why denial is so dangerous—it doesn’t just delay the inevitable, it actively hurts you and the person you’re caring for. And not just in obvious ways.
It Stops You From Taking Action
Denial can feel like putting off a chore. You know it needs to get done, but telling yourself I’ll take care of it later lets you avoid dealing with it for just a little while longer. But tomorrow comes, and it’s worse. The doctor’s appointment you didn’t schedule, the conversation you didn’t have, the paperwork you ignored, it all piles up. And when the moment finally arrives, you’re standing there, completely unprepared, scrambling to make decisions you should’ve made months ago. And you know what? That’s when it hits you. Denial didn’t help. It never does. It just delays the inevitable, and now you’re overwhelmed because the storm you’ve been avoiding has finally caught up to you.
It Increases Emotional Stress
You think ignoring the problem is going to bring you peace. And for a little while, it does. You go about your day, pretending things are normal. But deep down, there’s this constant hum of anxiety, like a song playing in the background you can’t turn off. You know something’s wrong, but you’re pretending it’s fine, so that worry just sits there, building and building, until one day you find yourself completely worn out, not even sure why. It’s because denial doesn’t remove stress, it quietly adds to it, drop by drop.
It Prevents You from Grieving
Dementia is the cruelest kind of goodbye. You lose someone slowly, piece by piece, and denial makes you think you can avoid the pain if you just refuse to see it. But here’s the thing: the grief is coming whether you like it or not. And the longer you pretend everything’s okay, the harder that grief hits when it finally breaks through. You can’t stop it. You can only delay it, and when you do, it gets heavier and harder to carry.
It Creates Guilt and Shame
Denial’s partner in crime is guilt, and it often doesn’t hit until something serious happens, a fall, a car accident, or a sudden health crisis. You know you should’ve done more. You should’ve called the doctor, had that talk, made that tough decision. But you didn’t, and now it’s too late. Now things have spiraled, and you’re left standing there feeling like you failed—not just your loved one, but yourself. Denial fools you into thinking you’re protecting yourself, but in the end, it leaves you with regret.
It Keeps You Isolated
Denial makes you feel like you’re the only one. You don’t talk about it with your friends, because that would mean admitting what’s really happening. You don’t reach out for help, because if you ask for support, it becomes real. And so you stay silent. The thing is, you’re not alone, not really, but denial makes you feel like you are. And that isolation is heavy. It’s suffocating. But it’s also self-imposed.
It Blocks Your Personal Growth
Caregiving is hard. It pushes you to dig deep and find strength, patience, and resilience you didn’t even know you had. But when you’re in denial, you’re not growing, you’re stuck. You’re avoiding the very challenges that could teach you about yourself and make you a better caregiver. Worse, denial doesn’t just keep you from helping your loved one; it stops you from making good decisions for yourself, too. Instead of learning, adapting, and becoming more compassionate and capable, you end up frozen, unable to move forward in any meaningful way for either of you. Denial keeps you in place, paralyzed by fear of what’s to come. But here’s the truth: you’re stronger than you think. And the only way to find out how strong you are is to face it head-on. Denial blocks the door to growth, but once you push past it, you’ll be amazed at what you can handle.
Breaking Through: The GROW Model
So how do you get unstuck? How do you stop hitting snooze and start actually confronting what’s happening? There’s a framework I like to use called the GROW model.
- Goal: What do you really want? Is it to keep pretending everything’s fine? Or do you want to make sure your loved one gets the care they need, and that you get the support you deserve? The goal here isn’t to “fix” everything. The goal is clarity. Seeing things as they are.
- Reality: This one’s tough. It means admitting that dementia is progressive. Things won’t get better. They’ll get harder. But it’s also empowering, because once you face reality, you can start planning.
- Obstacles: What’s stopping you from accepting this? Is it fear? Shame? The worry that people will judge you? Here’s the thing: admitting that something’s wrong is not weakness. It’s strength.
- Way forward: What’s next? Once you acknowledge what’s happening, you can take action. That means planning for the future, getting your legal and financial ducks in a row, and asking for help.
Conclusion: Clarity Is Freedom
Denial might feel like protection, but it’s not. It’s a prison. The moment you step into reality, you free yourself. You give yourself permission to act. To take care of your loved one and yourself.
So here’s what I want you to take away from this: denial won’t save you. But clarity will. It’s the only way to move forward. And you deserve to move forward.
