Beyond Being Right in Caregiving
Caring for a parent with dementia is like navigating a maze where the walls move and the ground beneath your feet feels unsteady. Some days, the weight of it feels like a privilege, like it’s a chance to give back to the person who raised you. Other days, it’s a burden, relentless and exhausting, as you move through a world where logic no longer applies, where memories vanish, and where reality bends and warps in ways that can make your head spin.
In this confusing landscape, you may feel an almost primal urge to correct your loved one, to ground them in the truth, to fix the pieces of the world that no longer fit. But here’s the real question: is your goal to win every argument, prove every point, and enforce your own grasp on reality, or is there something much more important at stake?
What Are We Really Trying to Do Here?
Let’s start with the basics. In the heat of caregiving, particularly when dementia is part of the equation, it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. Conversations that used to flow naturally now loop back on themselves, trapped in cycles of correction and confusion. You might find yourself locked in a battle to bring your parent back to your reality, to remind them of the facts, to fix their misconceptions. But what’s the point of all this? Is it really about getting the details right? Or is there a deeper purpose at play?
When you take a step back, the answer becomes clear: your role isn’t to enforce reality but to create a space where your loved one feels safe, valued, and understood. This shift, from being right to being effective, is transformative. It’s about realizing that caregiving isn’t about holding on to what was, but about embracing what is, and making that place as comfortable as possible.
There’s a reason why we cling so tightly to the need to be right, especially in caregiving. It’s because being right feels like control. When everything else is slipping away—when the person you knew is disappearing before your eyes—being right seems like the one solid thing you can hold onto. It’s a way of asserting that you still have a grip on the situation, that you can still make things make sense.
But here’s the hard truth: in the world of dementia, control is an illusion. No matter how many times you correct, no matter how often you remind them of what’s real and what’s not, the disease will continue to do what it does. The more you try to hold on to your version of reality, the more frustrated you’ll become, and the more strained your relationship with your loved one will be.
Shifting the Focus: From Correction to Connection
So, if being right isn’t the goal, what is? The answer is simple, yet deeply profound: connection. It’s about letting go of the need to correct and focusing instead on the bond between you and your loved one. This shift in focus can change everything about how you approach caregiving.
Choose Compassion Over Correction: One of the hardest parts of dementia care is dealing with the way the disease distorts reality. Your parent might forget who you are, confuse events, or insist on things that simply aren’t true. The instinct is to correct them, to pull them back to what’s real. But what if, instead of correcting, you chose to respond with compassion? What if, instead of saying, “No, that’s not what happened,” you said, “Tell me more about that”?
When you respond with compassion rather than correction, you’re not just avoiding a potential argument—you’re building trust and strengthening your emotional connection. You’re saying, “I’m here with you, wherever you are,” and that’s a powerful thing.
Create a Positive Environment: Shifting from correction to connection also means creating an environment focused on comfort. This doesn’t require grand gestures or expensive gadgets. Often, it’s the simplest things that bring the most joy: playing their favorite music, sharing a cup of tea, looking through old photos, or just sitting together in silence.
Think about the little things that make your parent smile. Is it a particular song, a scent, or a type of food? Use these as tools to create moments of happiness. It’s not about fixing what’s wrong—it’s about amplifying what’s right. By focusing on these small moments of joy, you create an environment where your loved one feels safe and valued, even when the world around them doesn’t make sense.
Simplify Communication: Communication in caregiving can feel like walking a tightrope. You want to explain things clearly, but you also don’t want to overwhelm or confuse your loved one. This is where simplicity comes in. Instead of trying to convey complex ideas or give detailed explanations, focus on using simple, positive language.
For example, instead of saying, “You need to take your medication because it’s time and it’s important for your health,” you might say, “Let’s take your pill now so we can keep you feeling good.” The difference might seem small, but it’s significant. By simplifying your language, you reduce confusion and help your loved one feel more secure and understood.
Adapt to Their Reality: One of the most profound shifts you can make as a caregiver is learning to adapt to your loved one’s reality rather than trying to force them into yours. If your parent believes they’re living in a different time or place, or if they think you’re someone from their past, consider going along with it, if it brings them peace.
For example, if they believe you’re an old friend rather than their child, step into that role. It’s not about deception, it’s about love. Sometimes, the best way to care for someone is to let go of the truth and embrace the story they’re living in. The goal is to bring them comfort and peace, even if that means becoming someone else for a while.
Prioritize Safety and Dignity: Above all, your role as a caregiver is to ensure your loved one’s safety and dignity. This might mean finding creative ways to encourage them to eat, take their medication, or bathe. It’s not just about getting the job done; it’s about doing it in a way that respects their autonomy and identity.
For instance, if getting them to eat regularly is a challenge, instead of serving three large meals a day, try offering small, frequent snacks they enjoy throughout the day. If they refuse a snack, don’t push—simply offer it again later without pressure, or just place the snack in front of them, they might just start eating it. Giving them a sense of control can make them feel respected and less resistant. It’s about finding the balance between keeping them safe and allowing them to maintain as much independence as possible.
When you make the shift from being right to being effective, something remarkable happens. You start to see caregiving not as a series of battles to be won, but as a journey of connection and growth. You begin to value the small victories—those moments of laughter, the quiet contentment of a shared meal, the peace in their eyes when they feel understood.
In this shift, caregiving becomes not just a duty but a deeply meaningful experience. You discover strengths you never knew you had, and you build a bond with your loved one that deepens in ways you never expected.
